


A boy wished for death, and a boy granted his wish

by AnAntagonist



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Decapitation, Denial of death, Heavy Angst, M/M, Masturbation, Necrophilia, Oral Sex, Underage - Freeform, decapitated head - Freeform, not happy ending, post episode 24
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:34:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28483953
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnAntagonist/pseuds/AnAntagonist
Summary: Shinji was alone.So he tilted his head and drew closer, first for a slight brush of his lips against the angel’s, a small test before pressing them more into a kiss. It tasted like LCL, but it was a familiar and likable taste, just like the softness and warmth of the skin.
Relationships: Ikari Shinji & Nagisa Kaworu, Ikari Shinji/Nagisa Kaworu
Comments: 13
Kudos: 70





	A boy wished for death, and a boy granted his wish

**Author's Note:**

> Leelo en español: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28483938
> 
> Before you continue reading, bear in mind that, as the tags indicate, this is a fanfic with dark themes, so if you're uncomfortable with any of the tags and thus don't consent to reading it, then do not proceed to reading.
> 
> All the love in the world to Red for the translation ♥ he's my king!

**_Splash.  
  
_ ** When the clean, lonely sound bounded in the immensity of the chamber, Shinji already knew it would torment him for the rest of his life. The pilot kept his eyes closed and his hand holding the controls tight, not wanting to let go yet, still keeping the too-vivid sensation of the body he’d just crushed in his hand with all his might, in an attempt to make the moment the least painful and the fastest he could.  
  
His eyes opened just slightly as his hand released the unit’s control. The giant’s hand opened its fingers little by little, allowed the irregular red mass to slip from its palm and drip down to the pool of LCL at its feet. Emitting a faint glow, between the organic tissue appeared, intact, a small red sphere, no bigger than a marble. A core.  
  
Holding it between both hands with great care, he brought it to his chest and let his delicate heart, as broken as a glass that had fallen off the edge off a table, relieve itself of all it had been containing for so long.  
  
When the command center recovered its signal, the employees were greeted by the pilot’s sobs, the only sound until Captain Katsuragi, in a low and anguished tone, declared the operation successfully finished.  
  


* * *

  
The sound of running water echoed in the empty bathroom and as much as the brown-haired boy scrubbed hard, washing and rinsing his hands countless times, he couldn’t get rid of that horrible sensation. Kaworu’s small body felt too real, slight and vulnerable in his hand. He had ended the life of the only being that had listened to him, been kind to him. The same being that forfeited its life so that he could go on living…  
  
The only reason he’d returned to Nerv that day was because Misato had made him, literally dragging him out of bed, and though she hadn’t mentioned it at all, he knew it was due to the woman’s fears that he’d commit imprudences against his own life. With his heart numb and his eyes empty, like a body lacking a soul, in barely a murmur he asked his tutor to take him to Central Dogma.  
  
~  
  
The violet giant was no longer there, neither its red companion. Only the rubble caused by their entrance and a huge hole in the wall remained as proof that something had transpired there.  
  
The pilot knelt at the edge of the great pool of LCL. Hugging his knees, he rested his chin atop them. “He said he loved me… no one had ever told me something so kind… just now I realize that I… loved him too...” He tensed his brow, watching some lost spot where the light’s reflections moved softly over the orange surface.  
  
The captain simply crossed her arms, frowning in concern but not knowing how to respond to the sudden revelation… or rather, confession, with all that it implied. She pursed her lips, trying still to find words, struggling against herself on whether to approach or not, but not daring to move after the boy had rejected her in near panic the only time she’d tried to comfort him in a more physical manner.  
  
There was no danger down there, not for Shinji nor for humanity, everything had already ended with the death of the final angel… now, all that was left was to heal. Slowly, without a word, the violet-haired woman left, leaving the boy alone. Was she giving him space? “ _ It’ll be good for him, _ ” she told herself. Was it what Shinji needed? It was the best she could offer. Was she running away? Without a doubt.  
  
Shinji just buried his chin between his knees when he felt the great door close at his back, and the echo made him conscious of the size of the place, the size of the pool, the size of Lilith in front of him… and how small he was. And how alone he was.  
  
His mind remained blank in an attempt to keep those feelings at bay, or perhaps he was just too exhausted to be able to summon a concrete thought. His gaze roamed over his environment, falling on the body of the crucified second angel, on the destroyed wall, on the LCL’s marks on it… the level had become much lower now… was it because of the opening? Or the fight? Had they taken some out when cleaning the scene? He didn’t know, it wasn’t important either, but questions like that distracted his mind from intrusive thoughts much better than just trying to keep it blank.  
  
He stretched his hand out until he touched the place where the floor ended and the pool began. Slowly he adjusted himself, lying down and letting his hand hang down until the tips of his fingers touched the LCL’s surface. It was warm. He moved his hand about distractedly, as his mind again brought back the moments he’d spent with the gray-haired boy, his words, which he hadn’t understood until that moment… and the ones he still didn’t.  
  
The surface, disturbed by his fingers, splashed.  
  
**_Splish.  
  
_ ** And the sound triggered the memory of that moment: the angel’s head falling on the LCL, the ghost sensation in his hand. He hid his face against his arm to dry the tears that began to pour out again.  
  
“Kaworu-kun… it should’ve been me… not you...” Although he whispered, the silence of the chamber amplified his voice and left it vibrating in the air.  
  
Through his clouded eyes, he noticed a shadow at the bottom of the pool, one of a different color than the rubble… and quite apart from them. He dried his face some more with the hem of his shirt and looked more carefully… it was gray… or write… he couldn’t tell with the orange tint in the way.  
  
With the feeling of guilt and anxiety rising up from his stomach to his chest, he took a quick look over his shoulder to the door that remained shut, then the hole in the wall that led only to darkness… then the white giant that, with its mask of seven empty eyes, looked downward. He was alone, completely alone.  
  
His fingers wringed on the hem of his shirt as he debated himself on what to do, then finally took action. Slowly, one by one, he descended the few steps towards the bottom of the pool, entering the LCL that barely made it past the height of his knees. The liquid offered nearly no resistance to Shinji’s steps, which hurried as he drew closer, until finally dropping on his knees in front of the object. He sank his hands, his heartbeat running strong not just in his chest but seemingly in his whole body, feeling it jump and pulsate as he saw that what he pulled from under the LCL was Kaworu’s head.  
  
The brown-haired boy’s face contorted in a failed attempt to contain his tears, concentrating only on holding that head with care, brushing his thumbs over the soft and lukewarm skin, looking at the closed eyes with their thick gray eyelashes and the slight smile on the lips, like he were only sleeping. Not restiting anymore he hugged him to his chest and tore the heavy silence.  
  
“I’m sorry! Kaworu-kun! I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry…! I’m sorry…” His words were lost among the sobs that increasingly pushed their way out without his control. It would take him several seconds to regain his voice.  
  
“I was so scared when you approached, but you were so kind and patient with me...” He continued, lowering his head to look at the gray shock of hair peeking between his arms. “You were the first person who ever said I deserved to be loved… the first person who said he loved me… I didn’t understand it then, I didn’t think it was true… but you didn’t lie to me… right, Kaworu-kun?”  
  
He lifted his arms a little, raising the head with them, until his lips met the damp hair. “I’m sorry… I was angry, I felt betrayed… but I understand now. I… love you back… even if you were an angel… you weren’t like the others. Not like the other angel, or like other people… you were Kaworu-kun… my Kaworu-kun...”  
  
The smell of LCL vanished as the highly oxygenated liquid evaporated, now letting him breathe in the gray-haired boy’s essence. Shinji pulled apart just to loosen his grip and hold the head more delicately. “Too light...” He thought, slightly disturbed, avoiding lowering his gaze below the neck, instead focusing his attention on the placidly closed eyes.  
  
“It’s like you’re still here… I know you’re not, but… it’s just like you could wake up… any moment...” He felt the tears well up in his eyes again, clutching tighter and burying his fingers in the other’s hair. “I wish you’d wake up...”  
  
The skin felt soft to the touch, firm under his fingers. Kaworu’s hair was healthy and abundant, and separated in locks in a natural manner as it dried. He didn’t look dead… couldn’t be dead. The frustration of that not being his reality, of Kaworu being dead, pushed the grief aside for a while, opening the way for the anger that furrowed Shinji’s brow.  
  
“Why won’t you wake up?! Why won’t you come back?! Can’t you see I need you?! Kaworu-kun… help me… help me!” He grasped the head perhaps too hard between his hands, shaking it like he was trying to get his attention. “Help me… Kaworu-kun… I don’t know what to do…” But the angel’s face remained without showing response, still with his eyes closed, still with his kind smile...  
  
Anguished, Shinji drew in shaky breaths through his parted lips, raising the other until their foreheads touched. If he closed his eyes he could feel him there, the warmth of his skin, its soft scent… he could live that fantasy for a few seconds, just thinking that he was still there. Though… they had never actually been that close.  
  
When he suddenly realized that his cheeks burned with blush, his eyes timidly opening to peer at the peaceful face in front of his.  
  
Kaworu was attractive. He’d known that from before, but had never watched him so closely, had never had the liberty of being able to examine him so at length, of being able to brush the tip of his thumb over his thick eyelashes, of tracing with his fingers the edge of his androgynous chin and looking at his lips. Looking  _ very _ fixedly at his lips, thin and slightly rosier than the rest of his pale skin…  
  
Shinji was alone.  
  
So he tilted his head and drew closer, first for a slight brush of his lips against the angel’s, a small test before pressing them more into a kiss. It tasted like LCL, but it was a familiar and likable taste, just like the softness and warmth of the skin.  
  
He pressed some more and the other’s lips gave a bit, opening to meet him. A shiver ran over him, but past some tense moments of stillness without noticing any other movement, he relaxed his shoulders. There was no breath but his own there… and there would never be any breath but his own between them. Keeping his lips parted and barely in contact with the other’s, Shinji began to breathe through his mouth, letting out short panting sounds and trying to calm his nerves before pressing back into him. With his lips he sealed the other’s mouth and slipped his tongue inside.  
  
It wasn’t his first kiss, but it was the first in which he had complete control, where he could mind his rhythm and test his own limits without pressure… surely, it would’ve been that way if they had kissed.  
  
He quickly pushed any thought from his mind, leaving it once again blank, focusing only on what he was doing and holding the head gently, he slipped his fingers to the back of it, always mindful of not touching below the line of the neck. He explored the cavity, immediately finding the other’s tongue that rested still on the floor of his mouth, moist and warm but too still. There was no LCL there anymore, nor did it taste like it, and when Shinji actively took note he let out a small, muffled moan between both mouths.  
  
The bit of echo that caused made him pull apart, cheeks flushed, now due to embarrassment as well. He observed the other’s face, still tranquil, now with his lips parted as though he was still waiting for the brown-haired boy to kiss him again.  
  
His adam’s apple rose and fell rapidly when he gulped, caressed by a bead of sweat born from the anxiety that an idea produced. His body reacted to the thought that had slipped into his mind in such a disturbingly natural way.  
  
Kaworu wasn’t there anymore… but he also had him between his hands. Because of his cowardice, he’d lost the opportunity to express his love when he was still alive… and if he didn’t do something now, he’d also lose the last chance to have him physically there one more time.  
  
He wanted to apologize, to say something aloud, but his lips trembled half-open without the strength for words… he opened the zipper of his pants, and his fingers quickly pulled his underwear down in order to pull out his member, already beginning to harden, through the opening. He wet his hand in the LCL and began to touch himself, pressing against the other’s lips harder now, squeezing his eyes shut now, bending forward so that gravity wouldn’t make him accidentally drop the head.  
  
Shinji let pleasure cloud his reason, just chasing the relief that his heart and body asked for. Having stripped off the first impulse of kissing him, panting and pausing the movement of his hand, he separated himself from the other’s lips, and gazed with crystalline eyes at the serene face of the angel.  
  
His mouth was still open, provocatively in his opinion. Fixing his gaze on the white teeth visible under the thin lips and on the tongue of a strong red tone within the shadows of his mouth. Seeing them as too inviting, the pilot ran his thumb over Kaworu’s lower lip, drying the wetness he himself had left there and caressing the other’s cheek lovingly.  
  
Still bent forward, he closed his eyes, held the head between both hands and lowered it to his erection. He pressed into the cheeks with his thumbs to make him open his mouth some more, gently leading the pink tip to his lips before sliding inside.  
  
If being met with the wet warmth inside the gray-haired boy’s mouth felt good, the pressure provided between the back of his tongue and the palate made him lose all reason. A moan escaped his throat despite his best attempts to refrain, shuddering as he heard himself make an echo in the wide chamber.  
  
“Kaworu-kun...” His voice dragged, tainted by pleasure, and that excited him more. Shinji slowly began to move his hips, pushing in without daring to go too deeply, panting softly with each movement… he slid out and back inside in short thrusts, faster each time… though also less intense each time. Every measured thrust was making the jaw muscles give out, loosening the pressure and accommodating the invading member too well, in a way that deprived it of the initial tightness.  
  
The brown-haired boy’s hands adjusted, still with his eyes closed, he ran a hand over the back of the other’s head, burying his fingers among the hair for a better grip as the other caressed his cheek, dipping below the edge of the chin in a loving gesture.  
  
Still moving softly, his fingers began to press and the other’s teeth brushed against his flesh from below. An unpleasant shudder made him frown and immediately release, now slipping his fingers below the maxilla and trying to press the soft part of the lower jaw.  
  
He could feel the other’s tongue rise, pressing him back into the palate and bringing back the pleasurable feeling, though not enough of it. But if he pressed any more, the teeth would get to him again… carefully he slid his thumb into the other’s mouth, placing it between the molars and grabbing the jaw so he could, with his fingertips still pressing under the tongue, continue with a better grip.  
  
He started gingerly, carefully, with slow movement, but just like his breath, his hips began to gradually hasten. The soft moan that every now and then left his lips was muffled by the sound of the LCL splashing around his thighs. Only the breathy name of the angel could be heard clearly over the noise.  
  
Kaworu wouldn’t mind if he went faster, if he tried to go deeper, it wasn’t like he had to worry about trivial things like his gagging reflex or the need to breathe. So Shinji tried to go further, to put more strength into the thrusts, to bring him a little closer.  
  
His moaning was quickly cut off by a shudder that fully closed his throat, and he thrust a little harder again as he felt his orgasm burning inside him. He gripped the back of the other’s head, grabbing on to thick strands of hair and his fingers nearly scratched his throat as he held on tighter and spilled inside his mouth.  
  
Tense, painfully tense and extremely still, he let his body finish. Knees trembling from the effort of holding himself back, keeping his eyes tightly shut and his torso bent forward, he heard the thick drops fall into the LCL and make a smaller echo in the solitary room.  
  
With slow and measured movements he pulled the head away from his crotch, immediately closing its mouth so as to not let anything out… at least, from that side. And finally he pulled it against himself, hugging it to his chest and leaving a kiss on the ruffled gray hair, finally opening his eyes.  
  
A great shadow covered them and when the pilot raised his eyes he saw her, with her huge white body hanging on the cross, held by the large nails through her hands. Lilith hung above them, her head as languid as ever, with her seven-eyed mask that Shinji now felt was staring straight at him… him… and what he’d done.  
  
Slowly he lowered his gaze to what he cradled between his arms, looking at Kaworu’s peaceful face, again with that subtle, kind smile on his lips, immutable, devoid of reaction, devoid of life...  
  
“I’m so fucked up...”


End file.
